An Atheist Looks at Noah

Members of the oppressed religious majority of this country are preparing to boycott the release of “Noah” the movie. Muslims hate it because it depicts a religious prophet. They get cranky about such things. Kathleen Parker, an opinion writer for the Washington Post, says that Noah would be an enjoyable movie to those that liked any two of the following: “Braveheart,” “Gladiator,” “Star Wars,” “The Lord of the Rings,” “Indiana Jones” or “Titanic.” The producers are already calling it a “blockbuster” but since the definition of the word means “commercial success” and the movie won’t be released until the end of March, we’ll have to wait and see. I’ll probably see it eventually and enjoy it. It appears to be a huge production and an action filled movie. The original story from Genesis 5:32 through Genesis 10:1 is roughly 2400 words so there has to be some artistic license.

However, I cannot read the story without noticing a whole lot of stupid. Is it really necessary to point out that the whole thing is ridiculous? Isn’t it obvious? Currently, the oldest living person is 116 years old. Check out the list of the verified oldest people. The longest lived person on the list died in 1997 at 122 years of age. According to the Bible, Noah didn’t start having kids until he was 500 years old. His sons were near 100 years old when the flood began. The Ark sailed on open water for almost a year before Noah makes a window and releases a dove. The bird came back with leaves from an olive tree. Does anyone want to make an educated guess as to how long an olive tree can survive underwater? In the end, God tells them to repopulate the world and don’t kill anyone ever again. I love the part where Noah after landing on Mount Ararat takes some of the “clean” animals that he’d just saved from a worldwide flood and burns them up in a sacrificial fire so that God could smell the burnt flesh. Perhaps Noah wanted to smell something other than the inside of his dung filled floating zoo. But it was a good thing that he did because the sacrifice made God promise to never hit the reset button on the Earth again. The story could have ended happily there. There were rainbows but no unicorns. The Irish Rovers explained that in their song and it would have been better for Canaan. Noah’s first order of business was to build a vineyard and make wine because he was “a man of the soil” which is Bible speak for someone who likes to get drunk and sleep naked which he did. He was passed out in his tent when Ham walked in and saw his dad in his altogether nakedness. Noah gets pissed because Ham saw him naked and so he cursed Canaan, Ham’s son, to a life of slavery. The End! Except for the part where the 100 year old sons of Noah: Shem, Ham, and Japheth get busy populating the world. By the way, Noah lives for another 350 years and dies at the age of 950.

I’m sure that’s not the movie Kathleen Parker saw.

About AZAtheist

Retired--Researcher, Developer, Program Manager, Arizona Regional Director--American Atheists, Organizer--Tucson Atheists, Organizer--Skeptics of Tucson
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1 Response to An Atheist Looks at Noah

  1. Mark Gabele says:

    I was looking up reviews of this movie when I saw the FB post from Ken Ham. Mr. Ham did not like the movie and called it an” insult to Christians” due to it’s lack of biblical adherence. This from the creationist that founded a museum with humans and dinosaurs living together dares to discuss insulting issues based on inaccuracies.

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